10 Uses for that iPad you bought

February 2, 2010

Now I really don’t like the iPad – as a technological device. It’s not a functional computer, it doesn’t fit in your pocket, and it’s a terrible ebook reader. There will be plenty of poor souls out there, however, who bought an iPad, before even hearing much about it. If you’re in that unfortunate situation, here are some ways to make your iPad useful:

  • A night light
    That super bright screen might ruin your eyes when you use it to read books, but it’s definitely not all bad! it’s great as a night-light! Not many people might want to fork over a couple hundred dollars for a night light, but then, not all people want a sink like this, either.
  • A door stop
    Now that you’ve gone and wasted a couple hundred dollars on an iPad, don’t let it go to waste. Just imagine how cool you’ll be when people walk into your house and see your iPad holding open your door. They’ll think, “Gee, this person must be a successful, clever, reasonable person. Instead of burdening the Earth with techno waste, they’ve found a use for their junk.”
  • Coaster
    Everyone loves coasters, as they keep your table looking nice. Everyone loves shiny gee-gaws, even if they don’t function. As long as you have a shiny gee-gaw that doesn’t function, why not have the best of both worlds? You can put that hot mug of coffee on your iPad, and protect that nice table of yours.
  • Serving platter
    One of the few good things about the iPad is that it has a nice metal back. Well, what that’s good for is a plate. Simply wedge something in the crack on the side (if there is one. I don’t actually know. You could always hit it, too.), pry it apart, and you’ve got yourself a nice platter for all sorts of things. From eggs and bacon to cheese and crackers, that fancy metal surface just screams “sophisticated.”
  • A book-end
    What the iPad lacks in book reading, it makes up for in book holding. The only problem is, it’s flat. The simplest solution it to nail another piece of stainless-steel to the back at a 90° angle, and you now have a book holder. It’ll keep your books upright, and it will illuminate them. Maybe. Thanks, Apple!
  • A book
    It’ll ruin your eyes, but it’ll do in an emergency.
  • Teething item
    I think we can all agree that regardless of what anyone older than six thinks, the iPad will be loved by babies. If you’re older than six, you probably think it’s a useless piece of expensive junk (I hope), but under six, and it’s as chewable as anything. The plastic is firm enough, yet soft enough, to feel great on your budding teeth.
  • Anti-theft
    For an uneducated thief, the iPad looks as valuable and theft-worthy as anything else. Hide your computer, put out your iPad, and on the off chance someone breaks in, the poor soul will walk away thinking they got something good. Sure, almost everyone is educated enough to know that the iPad sucks, but lets be optimistic.
  • Target practice
    No matter what it is – guns, bows, crossbows, Nerf darts, real darts, eggs, anything – your new iPad is perfect for it. You can even put a target wallpaper on it!

  • An iPod
    Because that’s what the iPad is. An oversized iPod Touch. That’s all it is now, and unless Apple changes it, that’s all it’ll be.
  • Really, having bought an iPad doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Even if you can’t use it like a real tablet PC, and it doesn’t do much in the way of entertainment, there are still plenty of uses for this shiny piece of technological failure.