February 2, 2010
Now I really don’t like the iPad – as a technological device. It’s not a functional computer, it doesn’t fit in your pocket, and it’s a terrible ebook reader. There will be plenty of poor souls out there, however, who bought an iPad, before even hearing much about it. If you’re in that unfortunate situation, here are some ways to make your iPad useful:
A night light
That super bright screen might ruin your eyes when you use it to read books, but it’s definitely not all bad! it’s great as a night-light! Not many people might want to fork over a couple hundred dollars for a night light, but then, not all people want a sink like this, either.
A door stop
Now that you’ve gone and wasted a couple hundred dollars on an iPad, don’t let it go to waste. Just imagine how cool you’ll be when people walk into your house and see your iPad holding open your door. They’ll think, “Gee, this person must be a successful, clever, reasonable person. Instead of burdening the Earth with techno waste, they’ve found a use for their junk.”
Everyone loves coasters, as they keep your table looking nice. Everyone loves shiny gee-gaws, even if they don’t function. As long as you have a shiny gee-gaw that doesn’t function, why not have the best of both worlds? You can put that hot mug of coffee on your iPad, and protect that nice table of yours.
One of the few good things about the iPad is that it has a nice metal back. Well, what that’s good for is a plate. Simply wedge something in the crack on the side (if there is one. I don’t actually know. You could always hit it, too.), pry it apart, and you’ve got yourself a nice platter for all sorts of things. From eggs and bacon to cheese and crackers, that fancy metal surface just screams “sophisticated.”
What the iPad lacks in book reading, it makes up for in book holding. The only problem is, it’s flat. The simplest solution it to nail another piece of stainless-steel to the back at a 90° angle, and you now have a book holder. It’ll keep your books upright, and it will illuminate them. Maybe. Thanks, Apple!
It’ll ruin your eyes, but it’ll do in an emergency.
I think we can all agree that regardless of what anyone older than six thinks, the iPad will be loved by babies. If you’re older than six, you probably think it’s a useless piece of expensive junk (I hope), but under six, and it’s as chewable as anything. The plastic is firm enough, yet soft enough, to feel great on your budding teeth.
For an uneducated thief, the iPad looks as valuable and theft-worthy as anything else. Hide your computer, put out your iPad, and on the off chance someone breaks in, the poor soul will walk away thinking they got something good. Sure, almost everyone is educated enough to know that the iPad sucks, but lets be optimistic.
No matter what it is – guns, bows, crossbows, Nerf darts, real darts, eggs, anything – your new iPad is perfect for it. You can even put a target wallpaper on it!
Because that’s what the iPad is. An oversized iPod Touch. That’s all it is now, and unless Apple changes it, that’s all it’ll be.
Really, having bought an iPad doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Even if you can’t use it like a real tablet PC, and it doesn’t do much in the way of entertainment, there are still plenty of uses for this shiny piece of technological failure.
January 29, 2010
As you probably already know, Apple recently announced the release of its new “Tablet computer,” called the iPad. Apple and the media are raving about it, calling it a successor to netbooks and current tablet PCs. However, it’s not what the news and the advertising suggests; it’s really a pointless piece of electronics. Without further ado, the nine reasons you’re (hopefully) reading this for:
It doesn’t have a USB port or an SD card reader.
How many people have a camera that can upload pictures to something without a USB port or an SD card reader? Even if you have one, that function probably won’t work with the iPad. MacBook Pros have USB ports AND SD card readers. The iPad doesn’t.
It doesn’t have a camera – of any sort.
Since you can’t upload pictures you take, how do you put pictures on it? One way you do it with an iPhone is with the camera. But get this: the iPad doesn’t have any cameras. None. Wouldn’t you expect a Mac to have a camera? Well, it’s not a Mac. It’s an oversized iPod Touch.
It can’t function as a standalone computer.
You know your iPod Touch? The one that won’t work unless you plug it in sometimes, to sync it and such? Same concept here. You need to come back to home base. Netbooks and existing tablet PCs can be used by themselves, regardless of whether you have a computer already.
Now, saving energy is great. So is being able to design microprocessors. I can’t do that. But only 1GHz? I have an iBook from 2003, and it has a faster processor. You can’t buy a computer nowadays that has a 1GHz processor, except for the iPad. Oh, right, it’s not a computer. It’s an iPod.
This brand spanking new interface!
Wait, did I say brand spanking new? I apologize. What I meant to say is “slightly redesigned and resized.” It’s almost the same as the iPod Touch interface, just ever so slightly changed. We were expecting something more like the OS X interface, except redesigned to be intuitive with a touchscreen, not the same thing we’ve had all this time.
If you’re on a computer, do me a favor. Open up a calculator or something without closing this page. You can do two things at once. Guess what? The iPad can’t do that. Netbooks and tablet PCs can. You can’t do that on an iPod Touch or an iPhone either, but they’re handheld devices, so I can understand. But with something as large and anti-pocket as the iPad, I am very disappointed.
Can’t just download and install software.
If you’re on your computer and you want to download Firefox, Opera, Chrome or any browser, or perhaps the demo for the next big videogame, or an anti-virus program, or any software, you can. You can do that with a netbook, too. You can’t with the iPad. With the iPad, you can only download Apps from the App store, meaning only Apps that have been approved by Apple. Sound silly? It is!
The price is unrealistic
If you’ve read this far, I hope you’ve grasped the fact that the iPad is just an oversized iPod Touch with an ebook reader. The thing is, $499 is more than the Asus Eee PC netbook. The Asus has more space, more memory, a faster processor, 3 USB ports, etc. Basically everything the iPad doesn’t have. Except an ebook reader. Are you willing to buy an iPad simply for the ebook reader? Well, Kindles are about $200 less expensive.
It has no disk drive
Computers need disk drives. Plain and simple. Netbooks, perhaps, not. But the iPad doesn’t have a disk drive, whereas other “tablet PCs” do. The Latitude XT2, for instance. What this means is, you can’t watch DVDs on your iPad. Disappointed? I sure am. What’s worse about this is that you can only watch movies on your iPad if you but them from the Apple store.
We wanted a touchscreen Mac. Not an oversized iPod touch.
That’s what this thing is. It’s an oversized iPod Touch. It doesn’t even fit in your pocket. Who wants that? Who needs that? What we wanted was something more like the ModBook, which is OS X in a nice little touch-screen package, except we wanted it made by Apple, with a nicer interface, and a smoother look.
I love Apple, and I trust them to come out with superb, high-quality products, and I buy them despite their lack of games and their high price. They’re solid computers that work well, are easy to use and last for years. However, I am extremely disappointed in this obvious attempt to exploit the loyalty of fans, and I’m hoping that Apple will do something to redeem themselves.